Why does ugly crying have to be a part of every finals week ritual? I mean, I know it’s good for you and helps relieve stress because you’re not just holding everything in. But just once it would be nice to feel like “Yeah! I got this!” It’s the same story with every set of finals: a cycle of doubt, hope and more doubt. Doubt about whether I can do this or if I even deserve to be here. Hope that things will be okay because I’m doing all this with good intentions: to help God’s people heal.
“Inspire me with love for all Thy creatures. May I see in those who suffer only the fellow human being.” – Oath of Maimonides
From the beginning, I wanted this blog to be a place where I’m honest with both myself and my readers. From the outside my life can seem like everything’s working out exactly as I planned it. I got into medical school on my first try right after college. I’m married to the most wonderful man. I have a great relationship with my family and I admire them so much for how wonderful they all are.
But from the outside, anyone’s life can seem perfect. And I can assure you that no one’s ever is. Nothing ever happens in a linear fashion. Yes, I’m extremely blessed and so incredibly grateful for all that I have. Yes, I have the opportunity here to do what I love. But I’m also almost constantly and completely terrified that I’m going to fail. That I don’t deserve to be here. That I won’t ever learn enough to know how to actually provide health care to another person. That my program wasted their time with me. That they should’ve accepted someone who really deserved it.
I know that I said my last outfit post would probably be the last until after my exam, but I just felt obliged to be real in my little corner of the internet. And sometimes the doubt is very real. I’m trying so incredibly hard and I’m terrified that things won’t work out. But I need to have this here so I know that I really did do everything I could. And that if I find out this time next week that I have to repeat first year, that’s okay. Because I plan but He plans better.
So to those of you who may be going through something difficult right now, know that I’m right there with you. And that we are going to make it through this. It’s okay to have doubts and ugly cry and to do whatever you need to do. But don’t forget to get up and keep fighting. Whatever happens, we’re going to be okay.
Wash your face. Deep breaths. Everything will be okay.