these are my confessions

Anyone else’s mind jump straight to the Usher track whenever they hear the word confession? No, just me? That’s cool. I’ve come to terms with my embarrassing and unwavering love for Usher during my junior high years. It’s fine.

But on the real – I thought it was time for a life update since it’s been a minute. I started sharing my journey through medicine, and life in general, on here and Instagram because I wanted people to feel less alone in their struggles. In this age of social media, it’s easy to fall into the mentality that everyone has their life together except you. But that’s obviously not the case – we just choose to present our best selves to the world. And on the surface there isn’t anything wrong with that as long as we can remember that there is so much else going on that is not being shared. But in the past couple months, since finding out I failed step one again, I’ve started to feel like I’m folding into myself and only presenting the highlights of my life. And while I don’t owe anything to strangers on the internet, I feel it’s important for me that I continue to present myself honestly.

Since December I’ve hit one of the most severe bouts of depression I’ve had in my life. I’m pretty sure I’ve struggled with both depression and anxiety for most of my life but wasn’t clinically diagnosed until starting medical school. Stress has always been a huge trigger for me and obviously failure, and step one in general, is stressful. Having been through similar, but less severe, episodes in the past I tackled my depression head on with the things that have usually helped me. I continued taking my medications, working with my therapist, etc. I put away my books and I traveled. I spent time with loved ones and my kitten. And I convinced myself that I was feeling better and dove back into studying as the new year began in January.

But I wasn’t okay. I was struggling badly. I couldn’t focus. I was irritable. I had so much trouble sleeping. I was nauseous all the time. I hand anxiety attacks weekly that were almost as bad as the ones that initially drove me to seek help. So I sought council from those I trust and one of the deans at the SOM recommended that I get tested for learning disabilities in case that there was something making it harder for me to succeed and adding to my stress. I realized that it was important for me to set my ego and internalized stigma towards disabilities aside and truly find out if there were accommodations out there that would help me with both my studying and in my exam taking. It took months before I was able to find someone who accepted my insurance and saw adult patients but I finally got an appointment about a month and a half out. Those of you becoming psychologists, thank you, you are so needed.

Around this time, 45 also started his presidency in the United States. I think it’s pretty clear from my previous posts where I stand politically. The US has always had a dark history when it comes to marginalized peoples but something about the blatant disregard/outright support of the xenophobic rhetoric during the elections made the inauguration sting so much more than I had anticipated. Every executive order and tweet and confirmation has truly felt like a personal assault. It’s taken weeks for me to be okay with the fact that my resistance, at this moment in my life, is almost always in pursuit of my career. I will continue to do my best to be aware. To understand the struggles of those who look and live differently than I. To educate and have the difficult conversations. To organize. To put my body on the line as often as possible when my sisters’ and brothers’ human rights are at risk. But for the most part – my resistance is hours and hours of studying to pass an exam so that I may advocate and care for my patients. And for now, that has to be enough.

Meanwhile, I did my best to continue studying. I searched online for tutoring programs for medical students that worked through video chat. I wasn’t ready to pick my whole life up and move to another state again, as I did when attending Wolfpacc in the summer. It was clear that I had made the most progress in my studying in the months after I had returned home and worked hard on my own. I’m certain that the most helpful aspect of being at Wolfpacc was being in a supportive environment surrounded by people who truly understood the struggle but I did also miss the tutors and the structure they provided. I also missed having someone to run my study schedule by to ensure that I was as effective as I could be in my studying. I missed doing questions with a tutor and running through my thought process with them so that I could identify holes in my knowledge. And that’s when I stumbled across Med School Tutors and was immediately intrigued. I had the opportunity to do one-on-one tutoring from home with someone who would also help me create a schedule that worked for me. It sounded perfect!

Now, I don’t think that this is something that necessarily everyone studying for USMLE needs. But having been at this for so long, I knew I needed more encouragement and reassurance this time around and I’ve found exactly that in working with a tutor through MST. Their entire team has been so incredibly supportive of my goals. The thing that I love most about MST is that they share my values. When I opened up to them about how much I had been struggling, they immediately reassured me that taking care of my health, both physical and mental, is the priority. They helped me rearrange my tutoring schedule at no additional cost to work best for my needs. Having a group of people who’ve essentially been cheering me on through the struggle of doing this for a third time has been such a blessing. If you do decide to check out MST, please cite me as your referral. This post isn’t at all sponsored by Med School Tutors but I do want to disclose that I will get a free hour of tutoring if you decide to work with them.

While struggling through all this I started falling victim to some really serious negative self talk and began to struggle with so many of the things I often warn you all about: feeling shame in the face of failure, constantly comparing myself to others, etc. and it started to take a serious toll. Part of the ugliness of depression is that it’s hard to separate when your thoughts are due to the illness versus when you’re actually right in your introspection and reflection. It’s taken me some time to be able to separate those two things and journaling daily has really helped me with that. I’ve been drowning myself in self care & self love and really doing my best to replace the negative self talk with positive affirmations.

I’ve taken the last couple weeks off from studying and really focused on getting back to feeling like myself. In my appointments with the neuropsychologist, we ruled out any learning disabilities but in talking to him about everything I’ve been through and am going through the past couple years, I realized that my depression and anxiety haven’t been managed as aggressively as they should’ve been. My primary care physician had been treating me until now and she isn’t the greatest when it comes to mental illness. (Another reason why I continually come back to a career in family medicine. We so badly need primary physicians who can provide holistic care. Shout out to all my future FM docs! I’ve got so much love for y’all). While talking to a close friend about this, she asked me why I hadn’t sought care from a psychiatrist over the past couple years that I had been dealing with my undertreated depression and anxiety. And I had no real answer. I later realized that it was because I, someone who constantly advocates against mental illness not being a true disease, had been downplaying my own mental illness for years. I hadn’t sought care from a psychiatrist, knowing that my PCP wasn’t doing a great job treating me, because I didn’t think it was that bad. I expected myself to pick myself up and just brush it off. I didn’t want to be someone who had a psychiatrist, and thus, label myself crazy. Why is it so much easier to show others compassion than ourselves? If I’d sought treatment for my mental illness as I’d encourage my patients and loved ones to do, the past couple years would have been so much easier.

So in the past few weeks I’ve talked to therapists and psychologists and psychiatrists and finally feel like I’m getting the care that I need. And while I’m still not feeling 100% like myself again, I’m finally caring for myself as I’d want my patients to care for themselves. I’ve spent a lot of time protecting my heart from those who try to dismiss my experience when I share my struggles and recognizing how strong I’ve been for so many years. I’m spending the rest of this week doing things that truly bring me joy, surrounding myself with the incredible people who have held me up in these difficult times often without even knowing it and simply finding gratitude in the little things.

I found out last week that the NBME accepted my appeal to expunge my score from my second attempt – you can read about my test day experience here. That news really helped restore my faith in ‘the system’ because I’ve recently been feeling like I’ve dedicated so much of my life to a field that doesn’t truly care about its people. I also found out that I was accepted to WISE’s Muslim Women’s Summit later this year, which will help me become a more effective activist and advocate. I’m still figuring out the details of my trip to the east coast but give me a shout if you’ll also be at the conference!

I know that I have what it takes to pass this exam and have an extraordinary career in medicine. But I’m still learning and unlearning what it takes to truly care for myself and be my best self. Thank you for your company on this journey.

fred & far

 

Many of us who aspire to be care givers tend to be exactly that: givers. And as we continue through our rigorous career paths, we often push aside our own needs and continue to give and give until we have nothing left for ourselves. I’ve been guilty of this for most of my life. I used to think this was a noble, unselfish way to live. That I was living the way God would want me to – by continually putting the needs of others before my own. And up until I started medical school I did alright living my life this way but as soon as school started I began suffering. It took me months before I realized that living my life in this way was not sustainable, was actually detrimental to my own health and inhibited my ability to succeed in school.

For the first time in my life, I began to consider what I needed and it was a very strange feeling. There was a lot of unlearning that had to take place about what it meant to be a ‘good friend’ or ‘good daughter’ or ‘good wife.’ I learned my limits and realized that I was of no use to anyone – not my family, my friends, my patients – unless I was good on my own. I started incorporating self care into my daily routine through various means like journaling, yoga, exercising regularly, evening strolls, writing & sharing my struggles, and learning the word no (& being able to say it without feeling guilty).

I’ve always loved the idea of wearing jewelry that’s meaningful in some way. I wear mantra bands that say ‘be you, love you. all ways, always.’ and ‘SHE BELIEVED SHE COULD SO SHE DID.’ Other pieces I’ve collected in my travels. So when I stumbled upon Fred + Far’s Instagram account, I was immediately intrigued. Self love is a work in progress and I can constantly sense myself falling back into old patterns so having a ring that reminded me, every day, to prioritize my own well being has been wonderful.

When I first started wearing the ring, it felt too big or too flashy for a ring that’s meant to be an expression of self love. I felt guilty for spending so much money on something for myself. But as with prioritizing self care in my life the past two years, it started to feel as natural as wearing my wedding set every day. If I’m ever so blessed as to raise a daughter, I hope that I can pass this ring onto her. This life can be stressful and beautiful and heartbreaking but I know that as long as I’m in my own corner, I can get through it all.

You can visit Fred + Far’s website here to learn more about their story and products.

review: talkspace

A few months ago, I changed health insurance plans and my new insurance was not accepted at my therapist’s office so I was being charged about $100 per session, which honestly isn’t even that high but I just couldn’t afford to keep going on a student budget. After months of neglecting my mental health and reaching somewhat of a breaking point, I started looking online for remote therapy alternatives to traditional in-person therapy and talkspace was immediately on my radar.

Disclaimer: everything I’ve written below is from the perspective of a consumer and not, in any way, medical advice. 

What talkspace is about:

Therapy for how we live today

Introducing Unlimited Messaging Therapy, affordable, confidential and anonymous therapy at the touch of a button. Your professional licensed therapist is waiting to chat with you right now, and help you make a real difference in your life. You can message your therapist anytime and anywhere, from your smartphone or the web, 100% safe and secure. Welcome to the wonderful world of therapy, re-invented for how we live today.

When you first go onto the website you go through a free initial assessment with the therapist on that ‘shift.’ The assessment honestly isn’t their strongest point – it feels a lot like the messages are just copied & pasted and that they’re just feigning empathy regarding why you’re pursuing therapy, if you’ve ever done therapy before, etc. Eventually this person sends you a form to fill out, a lot of which you’ve already said so you end up repeating yourself. There’s also a place on the form where you can write any preferences for your therapist (male/female, younger/older etc.). I believe that part of the reason it sounds scripted is because, legally, they have a very narrow set of language they’re allowed to use in their assessments.

After that, you select a payment plan – paying monthly, quarterly (for 3 month period) or annually (for the whole year upfront). The longer the period you pay for, the cheaper it comes out to be per week. Initially, talkspace started as just messaging therapy but they have now added a live session component and each video chat is about 30 minutes. The unlimited messaging only comes with a complimentary ten minute live chat as a way to ‘meet’ your therapist before starting your journey together.

These are the current plans that are available for one-on-one private chat:

  • $32/week of Unlimited Messaging Therapy (billed as $128 monthly)
  • $43/week of Unlimited Messaging Therapy + 1 Live Session (billed as $172 monthly)
  • $69/week of Unlimited Messaging Therapy + 4 Live Sessions (billed as $276 monthly)
  • Couples therapy is available for $189 per month or $499 per quarter (12 weeks).

Finally – after about a day – you are paired with your therapist and you start therapy. The first couple days are mostly your therapist reading through your initial assessment and asking questions to get a better idea of where you’re at in life and get an idea of what your goals are with therapy. Then gradually you’ll start working on specific issues and moving forward. Unless you have an alternative arrangement with your therapist, she/he will check your chat two times a day during the weekdays and not at all on the weekends. Initially, it may feel like you’re moving really slowly, especially if you’ve done the traditional 50-minute therapy sessions but one week of chatting on talkspace should be considered equivalent to a traditional session.

When I first started working with my therapist, I felt that the focus of our conversations was shifting from where I wanted it to be so I just talked to her about it. Initially, it felt like she was offended but we completely cleared that up during our introduction video chat. She actually stayed in touch with me during our first weekend working together because I started therapy on a Friday. Additionally, if you feel like you’re not meshing well with your therapist, you can simply request someone else. So far I’m really happy with my experience on talkspace and finally feel like I have a consistent source of help. Below I’ve shared the reasons I think this platform is absolutely perfect for young professionals, especially those of us in medicine.

  • Access. I love that I can literally text my therapist whenever I have an experience I need help processing or figuring out the best way to approach a specific situation. With my previous therapist, I would not be able to get an appointment with her until at least a month after I called. Right now – I’m going to be in Florida, away from pretty much my entire support system, studying for what’s probably the most difficult exam of my career. Having someone who can provide insight during trying times – literally in my back pocket – has removed a lot of the anxiety associated with living in a new place, surrounded by new people, overcoming this hurdle.
    During the clinical years of med school and residency, I will likely have several days when I start working before any therapists’ office is open and leave work after all therapists’ office close. Having the freedom to text my therapists at any time, day or night, makes it so much easier to get help when you’re working that ridiculous schedule – when you often need therapy the most but can’t access it. Additionally, you’re not limited by geography – even if I move to Vermont for residency, I can continue working with the same therapist remotely.
  • Time. When working or studying all week, the last thing I want to do is drive twenty minutes to my therapists’ office and talk to her for a whole hour about things that have added up since our last session. Sometimes I feel like a 50-minute session is too long and I don’t even have enough to discuss and other times it feels like the time just flies by and I have to wait until our next session in 3-4 weeks. I can start messaging my therapist about something and I’m able to say as little or as much as I want (or have the energy to) at my own pace.
  • Referring Back. Unlike with traditional therapy, unless you’re taking notes, you can actually refer back to exactly what your therapist said in your conversations, even after you’ve ended your subscription. So if something similar happens in the future, you can refer back to your conversations and regain that insight.
  • Continuity. I started using talkspace during a difficult time in my life when I needed help to best process and prioritize my life to set myself up for success on this exam. But after I’ve passed this exam, I may not need to work with a therapist for a few months or even a year. I can stop paying for my subscription with talkspace as soon as I feel I don’t need it and if I have another difficulty arise in my life, I just open talkspace back up and continue working with the same therapist. Those of you who have worked with multiple therapists know how exhausting it can be to repeatedly tell your story to someone else, over and over again so it’s incredible that I can just continue working with the same person!
  • Long Term. A career in medicine comes with many, many emotionally challenging times. The first two years are a marathon of constantly feeling like you need to prove your worth and taking test after test. The rest of medical school is that but also facing the realities of medicine: death, dealing with insurance companies and difficult patients, etc. It’s a life time of helping people through some of the most difficult times in their lives and we’re somehow expected to handle it all without seeking help ourselves. Talkspace allows you to stay with the same therapist throughout your years in medicine, even if you travel all over the country for your training.
  • Long Distance Couples Counseling. Many ‘medical couples’ or couples in which both people are pursuing rigorous careers often find themselves in a long distance relationship at some point in time. And while long distance comes with its own challenges on top of the challenges of learning how to ‘life’ with someone, traditional counseling is not usually an option because of said distance. We haven’t used this aspect of talkspace yet but if it’s as promising as individual therapy has been, it would be worth a try – especially for long distance couples.

You can read about how talkspace protects the privacy of their clients here and about how the select the therapists available to work with on the website here. In doing my own research about reviews on talkspace, I came across several that were concerned about the text-only basis of the therapy especially since a healthy connection is a vital part of working with a therapist. However, I do think that some of these issues are addressed with the availability of live sessions and ability to send voice and video messages to your therapist. Here you can read some pros and cons of talkspace from the perspective of both consumers and therapists working on the site.

Todd Essig, psychologist and a writer at Forbes, has shared his mistrust of talkspace here and more recently here. I do agree with some of the points he makes, especially the points he makes about the limitations in your therapist’s ability to respond in the case of an emergency. For that reason, I do believe that talkspace is not the best platform for those with acute mental illness in a current state of crisis. In that case, immediate and acute intervention should be sought at the nearest psychiatric institution with extensive follow up with regular in-person sessions. However, for those of us who have been managing our mental illnesses and need additional help in doing so, this can be a great and convenient option especially when there’s no realistic alternative.

If you do decide to try out talkspace, you can get $50 your first month by using my referral link. Full disclosure: I will also receive $50 off a month if you do use that link but that’s not at all why I’ve spent hours on this post and this post is not, at all, sponsored by talkspace. I’m truly passionate about future health care professionals taking better care of themselves and I believe talkspace is a great option that removes many of our barriers to mental healthcare.

Have you tried talkspace or any other online therapy platform? What has been your experience?

r & r in redlands 

The past few months, pretty much since 2016 started, have been nonstop studying – exam after exam. And it also felt like the stakes were getting higher and higher as time went on. Now, I’m in independent study time for USMLE step one and the pressure is on. This exam is known to be the most difficult of many licensing exams and also plays a huge factor in what and where you’ll practice medicine.

I’ve always prided myself in understanding that test scores do not define me or my ability to be a good physician. When struggling with the MCAT, I knew that somehow things would still work out because this was my calling. But the step one boogie monster got to me and I started doing all the wrong things: not taking breaks, staying up too late to finish my study ‘to-do’ list, focusing on quantity instead of quality, comparing myself to others and making this test my life.

Earlier this week, I performed pretty terribly on a practice exam and after crying & wallowing and talking to one of my best friends, I realized that I was essentially setting myself up for failure. So I decided to take a couple days off and remind myself of the life I live outside of this exam. I went to a neighboring city and just explored. I dusted off my DSLR and just roamed around eating great food, shopping at local stores, hung out at a local coffee house and drank delicious coffee while reading and journaling.

Going to be back at it tomorrow, while fasting for Ramadan (which I’m nervous about but also excited that I’ll be taking this exam in such a blessed time). I’ll have even less ‘chill’ time between starting third year and taking this exam but pushing it back was just so necessary for my own well being. I’m committing myself to doing my best on this; I won’t sell myself short but I’m also not going to look at what others are doing (especially if they’re vacationing while I sit here stressin’ out).

This is my journey. It’s had a lot of twists and turns and loop-de-loops but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m going to be caring for actual people one day very soon and I can’t wait. But this is just something I have to get through until then. Thank you all for accompanying me on this journey – you all push me to constantly renew my intentions and better myself.


on mental illness in med school

As mental health awareness comes to an end, I wanted to address something very close to my heart: mental illness and reducing the stigma that often comes with it, especially in health care. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for, well I don’t really know how long but I was officially diagnosed with both during my first year of medical school. It was a really difficult time for many reasons and I just couldn’t deal with it on my own anymore and decided to get help. I was really hesitant to do so at first because I was worried about being perceived as weak, that I couldn’t handle medical school and the challenges that come with it. It’s so, incredibly, heartbreaking how many health care professionals we lose, both practicing and in training, to suicide each year. We’ve made progress on dealing with the lack of support for our community when it comes to mental health but we still have so much work to do. So much of why I want to go into academia is to change the way we educate and train our physicians, to do it in a way that doesn’t require us to rob them of their humanity, compassion and ability to empathize with others.

Before I get into how I’ve dealt with both of these diagnoses while in medical school, I want to address how absolutely ridiculous it is that this stigma exists at all but especially in the field of medicine where we know and understand the pathology behind mental illness. We know that there are actual problems in the balance of our hormones. We know that it’s not just laziness or something you just ‘push through’ or ‘get over.’ So the first step in dealing with depression and anxiety in medical school is accepting that there is no shame in having a mental illness.

Think about it this way: anxiety and depression are essentially like having allergies, your body is overreacting to something it perceives to be threatening when it’s not really that bad. With allergies, some people’s bodies think peanuts are the equivalent of poison when there is nothing inherently dangerous about peanuts – as long as you’re not allergic. I’m eating a peanut butter granola bar from Trader Joe’s as I type this and I’m not going into anaphylactic shock – because my body doesn’t perceive peanuts as a threat but for others, it most definitely is. It’s the same with depression and anxiety – episodes can be triggered by things that may not seem that bad to people who don’t have mental illness. Some people’s bodies do not turn on them when they have to take an exam, or have to speak publicly or for no apparent reason. But I obviously would never judge my friend with nut allergies for needing an epi pen or avoiding triggers, right? So why do we do that to ourselves and each other when it comes to mental illness? Let’s just make a commitment to not think of it any differently – when it comes to us or to our friends or our patients.

So now for tangible advice and steps you can take if you are dealing with depression or anxiety – and please keep in mind this advice is from the perspective of someone who has dealt with these issues, not as professional medical advice.

  • Find a therapist you trust and feel comfortable with. This can definitely be tough because it takes a certain level of comfort and trust to be able to discuss what you need to discuss with a therapist. I would recommend starting with counselors at your school if that’s an option since they usually understand at least some of the struggles students face. And I know that it can be exhausting to jump from therapist to therapist and repeatedly telling your story to a stranger but it’s worth it when you find someone you can really talk to. Yelp is a surprisingly great place to read reviews for various therapists. And it’s a good idea to go into each session with an idea of the topics you want to discuss and issues you want to work on. This link has really helpful advice on how to approach your first session with a therapist.
  • Don’t be afraid to try medication. Like we talked about above, there’s no shame in your Zyrtec game and there shouldn’t be with Prozac (or any other medication) either.
  • Prioritize your health and well being. We all know that we should take care of ourselves but how many of us actually prioritize doing so? Because we need to, especially if you’re dealing with mental illness. I find exercising regularly to be really helpful and I’ve recently also started doing yoga (at home with Yoga with Adriene), which has also been great. Prioritize getting enough sleep, especially in the first two years of medical school when you have much more control over your schedule. Pulling all nighters is not a good way to learn and you need sleep to be able to retain everything you spend hours studying. I also find that limiting my caffeine intake really helps keep my anxiety symptoms away so I’ve tried to stop drinking coffee on and off for the past few years. Try limiting it as much as you can! I’m not a fan of cooking so eating healthily can be difficult but I try to buy preprepared frozen meals made by companies like Evol Foods and Sweet Earth Foods because they provide healthier options. And if, even for a second, you start feeling ‘selfish’ for taking care of yourself remember:

    ‘Caring for myself is not self indulgence, it is self preservation and that is an act of political warfare.’ – Audre Lorde

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  • Get a furchild. This obviously isn’t for everyone but have Kohl in my life has made the struggles of 2016 so much easier to deal with it. There’s something about a tiny kitten purring on your lap that makes you feel like it’s all going to be okay. So if it’s something you can do, consider adopting a kitten or puppy. It’s amazing how they just know when you’re not doing well or need extra cuddles. He’s been the source of my sanity through studying for remediation and boards.
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  • Spend time in places that inspire you. This can be as simple as going to your local coffee shop to study or planning a weekend getaway with your significant other/a group of friends. Changing where you are makes coming home feel so sweet and reenergizes you to continue doing what needs to get done. And making time for fun things is so important – you need it to recharge.
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  • Work hard when you feel good. The thing with both depression and anxiety is that they can sneak up on you. You can have an objectively good day and still feel completely miserable. So in a way, it’s important to ‘prepare’ for these episodes by being extra productive when you are feeling well. That way if you have an off day, you won’t fall behind because you prepared for it. I always have a game plan for studying for each block but because I know that some days are going to be better than others, I plan goals for each week (rather than each day). So when I have a day when I’m feeling down, I’m not really falling behind as long as I spend the day caring for myself and getting recharged so I can tackle tasks the next day and still stay on schedule. Having this flexibility has been really great for me and also reduces the guilt of ‘doing nothing’ on the days when I really can’t.
  • Spend time in service of others. There’s something so incredibly fulfilling in giving your time or skills to help others. If you’re in healthcare, a big part of why you’re here is because you have that innate need to be in service of others. So stay in touch with that by volunteering with your local free clinic or mentoring youth from underserved communities. Doing these things also really helps bring your purpose back into perspective. It helps you remember why you’re spending so much of your time studying and making so many sacrifices.
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  • Don’t be afraid to reach out to your classmates or friends. I can’t tell you the number of messages and comments I read every week from others in this field who share that they too are dealing with depression, anxiety or both. Don’t feel obligated to share this part of your journey if you don’t feel comfortable doing so but please know that you’re not alone. And if you do decide to share, realize that your recovery is going to look different from others’ so try your best not to compare. In this age of social media, it’s easy for us to think that everyone’s life is so much easier and better than ours but realize that most people just show the pretty parts. We’re all going through difficult times.
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  • Be kind and patient with yourself. This is something that I still struggle with. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others who seem to be much more productive or being angry with yourself for ‘being lazy.’ But realize that type of thinking is not productive in any way. You’re only prolonging this episode of deeper depression or anxiety by doing so. Your body is clearly telling you it needs a break or a change so spend an hour or so taking care of yourself and come back to your work. Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d show your patient who is struggling with similar issues.
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So much of why I started this blog and started speaking about my journey on Instagram is because I did not want anyone else to feel alone in the struggles that come with this journey. You are not alone. You deserve the best out of life and while we make many sacrifices on this journey, you should not sacrifice your health and well being in order to care for others. It takes some courage to seek help and take the steps towards recovery but it’s well worth the effort. You deserve a life where happiness is the norm, not the exception. You deserve a life that does not feel like a burden. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your future patients because they deserve a healer who has spent time healing themselves.

doctors make the worst patients


So as I stated in my previous posts, I’ve been really stressed about starting second year. The summer before I started medical school, between the wedding and moving three times, was so hectic that I never really had the time to stress too much about the future. I kind of just showed up to orientation and somehow a year passed without me even noticing. After remediating successfully, I was of course so grateful for the opportunity to move onto second year with my cohort but I’ve been really nervous too. Part of me still feels really unsure about whether I belong here or if I ever learned enough during first year to actually competently be able to take care of patients in the future. I know that self doubt can be really poisonous and I need to get all this negative energy out of me so I’m trying to put my best foot forward and move on.

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